Journal 5/23/04

5/23/04

It is one thing to believe I am a leaf on the great tree of life who’s origin was the seed of God. It is another thing to believe I am connected to the universe and yet another that the connection is two way. Throw in that I am led to certain people and information and that I continue to get certain information until I ‘hear’. Again another thing to get information for other people. And finally to be so strategically placed as to see the small events and moments all working together to create circumstances that bring me exactly to a point of knowledge that I was asking for or needing. I am rather in awe of these happenings and quite taken by the immediate nature of the responses. The more I listen and heed, the more messages appear.

I am reading a book where they talk about being an instrument of God. Am I perhaps an instrument of God now? Did I learn some lesson or cross some threshold? Did I dip into a spiritual experience from which I arose baptized in this new religion without a name? I do have a name though -- it is faith. Just faith. I do not even need more than that. I do not need faith in …… Just the faith is all I need. And somehow I know how right that really is.

Before all this began --- and was it even with this illness that things changed? I perchance to say that the illness was just another catalyst to bring me to this awakening. Awakening is not really the right word. This state of being perhaps is better. I wondered today about talking about this with other people. Who can I trust to try to understand? Who would not think me insane, or vain, or self-absorbed? Who could understand? I can talk to my Mom and she would understand. I can tell Rob or tell Julie, but I don’t know that they would get it. This is one of those times when I wish that I was connected with someone of like mind who I could talk to and think about these things out load. Someone who is also thinking about these things along the same lines. There has to be someone out there. How do I connect with them? Could it be through the CWG books? Perhaps if I find the right group that would work. Or maybe I should start my own group. Missy said she and someone else had started a book group that was gaining momentum. Well that’s a side track anyway.

I more and more get the sense the sense that I should write. Topics come into my mind. I do believe that there is a book to write with Rob’s knowledge of junk yards. I think there is a technical perspective and a story there about our relationship. Interesting tie in there somewhere, although I’m not sure exactly what it is. I still think sometimes about writing Living to Death. But I have one catch and that is that I think I’ve resolved my death issues for the moment. Much easier now that I know I’m not going to die tomorrow. I can go back to pretending that death isn’t part of my future again. Even though I could very well die tomorrow. Rather circular don’t you think?

Well when I sat down today I wanted to also make note of one of the come to me moments I had today. I was thinking - or realizing perhaps - that it’s time to have the experience of having lots of money. I am to do that in this lifetime. I was thinking of different things that I (or Rob and I could do). This one of the times that the writing comes in.

IDEA - A side note to capture about the cell phone bras - or rubber bands idea. (come back to this later).

So I was at the Price Chopper in South Burlington, because I decided to return some of the clothes to TJ Maxx that I almost didn’t but did buy. I got bored so I left home rather late for a Sunday afternoon. I got more things than I planned and then used the self check out even though I usually find it slower. When I was done at last - I ran into Pat Burns who used to work at Ben & Jerry’s. He told me he is not a kind of broker for people who are interested in buying into a franchise. He said there are 5000 franchise opportunities. Start by going to International Franchise organization on the internet. He is going to send me an email with some information.

On the way home I was thinking about this and along the same lines. It came to me to buy houses and do vacation rentals. The work would be maintenance, cleaning in between, and making a nice but simple setting for people to enjoy. The more I think about this the more that I like it.

I also today was at Danform and got thinking about the Harbor HideAway building. I used to love that building. It always seemed this kind of maze of rooms that were each decorated differently. It’s for lease. I was wondering if there is a way that I could utilize that space - wouldn’t it be a hoot if it’s been sitting there all this time waiting for me to get my shit together? Anyway - I was wondering if there was a way to use it to be a kind of get away space for women - the retreat idea I was thinking about. I was also thinking about a teen center kind of idea, but I’m not sure I’m into that. So back to the women’s retreat. Some thoughts about that…. I could set different rooms up in different styles. I could rent each space out for x long at X dollars. People could come in and teach small classes. I could set up a rotating list of classes - come and pay by the class - introductory classes maybe? Or different areas for different regeneration… A scrapbook room, a bead room, a pottery room, a reading room, a Spartan room, a pillow room, a room with a certain kind of music… a massage room. Hmmmm all kinds of things. It might be good to group things: activities, appreciation, learning/education, relaxation, pleasure, new experiences, socialization, solitude. There would need to be simple foods, healthy foods and indulgent foods. Internet connections. Environment controlled differently for each area - temperature, music, lighting. I wonder if anyone is doing something like this.. .the Womens’ Room. I should really look into this. Health is another area. A set of seminars easy to get to. Daycare???? Or just leave the kids at home? Insurance for that? I should call Mom and ask her what the building is like inside. It looks kind of decrepit outside. I would like it to be open at lots of different hours of the day so that people could come there whenever they felt the need. That would be a lot of time for me to be there - but maybe only at the beginning. I wonder if I could get Rob to work there at all. A few token gentlemen to treat the ladies like ladies. The Goddess Chambers. Or the Caves of the Ladies. Hmmmm. Hmmmm. I still do like this idea too. Could I just do the arranging and have people who come to participate bring supplies for their workshops? That would save me getting supplies. I wonder what would cost? And what would I get out of it> I wonder if that place is big enough to hold a small conference or gathering. Spiritual stuff would be nice. Or going down totally different route - what about real life chat rooms…. I wonder if that would work? That would be very interesting to try. And I bet that space would be perfect for it… Easy to set up…. Allow people to sign up and to create their own ideas - some standard typical ones…. Sort of a coffee house idea but based on making connections with people. I still think there should be some quiet places as well. How would I make money - an entry fee and then on food and drink? That might not involve a lot of overhead to run once the décor was in place. But I wonder if it would even come close to paying rent. I wonder if I could try this out somewhere else first, using just tables or mingling. I’m thinking about the networking event for IT that’s been at Champlain the last couple of years. Why would I go there instead of being at home? If I live alone and don’t want to be alone. If I am looking for companionship or conversation. Hell people go to Barnes and Noble to sit and read and drink coffee. They do it at Borders too. So could this be a coffee house with lots of different rooms? Juice bar. Maybe I could be open only 3 days a week. That would alleviate me needing to be there ALL the time. I wonder what the Harbor Hideaway costs? I wonder how many square feet it actually is? Could it be mine? Is it supposed to be mine? I wonder if I could turn any of it into sleeping quarters - even dormitory style. Is there an upstairs there? There is a light house. I wonder if it works - it could be deemed the beacon for women to come to Haven. ‘HAVEN’ that should be in the name. Woman Haven, Lady Haven. I wonder if I could do discussion groups there and talk about some of all these crazy things that are happening. I wonder if I could get authors to come and talk about women’s issues. I wonder if it’s just a place for women to be women and everything that means. There could be gateways labeled to leave x here as you pass through … work ….worries… stress… what about rooms to work your way through…. One to talk about work and get it out…. One to talk about… .

I’ve been gone for awhile for dinner and making lunch and chatting with Rob. As I was making lunch it occurred to me that the dream I had the other night where Anthony and I were running to the other part of that huge warehouse kind of building - I wonder if that could mean he and I ‘running’ something together as in a business. I was thinking that it was some kind of physical health since he and I talk about that and the massage is a kind of therapy. I’ll have to ask him about this.

Speaking of massage - the last massage I had felt good - relaxing and not so much like a medical therapy for an abused body. That is an amazing thing. I have been feeling much much better the last couple of weeks. Still some RA and some swelling and soreness - the worst in my upper arms- but much shorter and not so bad. My TSH test was normal last week. I think the thyroid medicine has a lot to do with it. My energy level has been amazingly higher. I didn’t realize I was as effected as I was until now when I’ve gotten some of my ‘old self’ abilities back. I don’t know how to even explain the difference to someone who hasn’t experienced something like this. There are other equivalents - like when a huge stress is removed from your life and you realize what a impact it had. I am so so thankful. I also feel like I lost parts of my life over the last 2-3 years. I wonder if this will bring Rob and I closer together than we might have been. He has certainly been impacted. That’s another story that I’ve thought about writing recently. This whole concept of invisible disease really makes me think. There are so many people impacted so many common ailments. I said to Mom once that I thought health was a fallacy and she said that’s not true. In CWG it says that our bodies were meant to last much much longer than they do now. And we abuse them so they crash sooner. I continue to be amazed at the human body and all that it does. It causes one to pause and think about all the things that need to be in place for us to live and work and function.

STORY - Invisible disease and our relationship. Or what’s been going on for us over the last 2 years.

It’s almost 11:00 now and I could just keep writing. Every time this happens I wonder how long it would take for me to run out of things to say! If I didn’t fall asleep first. I always like the way that Scully summed up her work in her journal entries. She would often read them at the end of the show - they were her report on what happened and there was usually and awareness or a moral in them. Sometimes I think mine have that incite too.

Rob was watching that Heavy Metal movie. The beginning is a lot like the Fifth Element movie (one of my favorites). I forget when this came out, but I think it was when we were teenagers. I think this is the one that he couldn’t get into because he wasn’t 17 and didn’t have a parent’s permission. The woman just dressed in that warrior skimpy black and red leather warrior outfit. There is a part of me that associates with that dress and warrior woman thing. I wonder if part me really could live that life with all the violence. I think I might become immune to it. Maybe like that thing where what is normal to you can change if you hang out with a different crowd. There a lot of subcultures out there that don’t get a lot of recognition. I think the ‘normal’ people don’t always know what’s really going on. Things in the news and in the papers are things that happen to others and not in our own towns, streets and backyards.

Hey there is nothing in this automatic writing document. Ok let’s try for a few minutes. Today is 5/23/04. It is 10:58 pm. I’ve had a good day mostly and a quiet weekend. It’s Sunday.

I’m not sure how to get into the swing since I am awake. Last time I tried this I was falling asleep. I wonder if I can watch the movie and just let my hands keep going. Yes, I can do that - I just tested. I hope the movie doesn’t impact too much.

Let’s start by trying to remember some of my dreams from the last couple of weeks. There is the one with the running in it. That one turned into the - wow I have no idea what I was going to say. I hope it comes to me because it was a second part of that dream. And the one with the amusement park in it. And the one with the unwanted discovery of reality.

Let’s do the amusement park since that is the clearest. I’m sure this will jump around. I give permission to do that. We Rob and I - and maybe kids, traveled to a newly opened amusements rt. Laurie Viens sister or parents had a house that was RIGHT along the border of the park. We are able to park there which was great because the lot was full. We didn’t have to walk very far. There were other people also there, I think from work. We entered the park and here was a circle there where we got tickets. For some reason there was a lot of confusion about getting tickets. We ended up getting these passes or arm bands or maybe even inserts under the skin that let us in to all the events, shows d sties to see., The rides were all brand new. We one some, bit ran our of time before we could het on all of them. I don’t remember if we went on any roller coasters. It seems there was something about one of the rides that it was scary or something so that some people didn’t want to go on it. Before we went in there was someone sitting in a jeep or something being cool or trying to look cool. That’s all I can remember and I don’t think that’s very much to interpret. Nothing is jumping out at me expect that it’s very definitely been an AMUSEMENT park and not one of the other names for places like this. I wonder if it could mean that there are new things for us to do together and some of the obstacles are really obstacles because of our friends (like the parking). The tickets were an issue, but we finally got that straightened up. We did miss some time because it took so long and other people were already doing stuff. The parks are something that we’ve been doing together on our vacations. Hmmmm.

Running - I don’t remember that much about this dream - oh maybe it was the one that turned into the work stress ream where they move things on me. That one was a doozey. So - At the beginning I was in this warehouse giant huge warehouse that was work (I think). I had to get to another part of it so I was running. I was running and running and running. I didn’t get out of breath or hurt or have to slow down. I was strong d it felt good. Then Anthony was running with me and he asked if I was ok or something like that. I said yes I was just running. And we ran together until we got to that place in the other part of the building.

Later - I think in the same dream - they moved and rearranged totally my working space. What we had started out very similar to how it really is. Then this group of actors or clowns or artistic types ( AHAH - yeah ok that’s Becky - that’s how Marc describes her now (Marc is the family advocate that’s been working with us). Ok - anyway - they take over and all kinds of renovations are done, even the main hallways are changed to accommodate all these people. I cannot find my way back to my cube - which is different itself now. Roger says something about supporting the business or something and I say how I want to do that, but I can’t even recognize where to turn or what hallway I am in (the place is very large). A woman is then with me and we are walking around together. I want to say it’s my Mom, but I’m not sure. We find our way eventually and then do things backwards. At one point it seems there was a trap door covered by a carpet or bedding and pillows. The actor clowns had to move for us to get through. I think we went up some steps there though and not down through the door. There are lots of good reasons for them to be there but it’s very disrupting to me and dis-orienting. Well I guess I just fiured that one out. What’s next…

In the reality dream it was kind of parallel to the matrix - where I was coming out one awareness into another and I knew that our reality was not the whole story. There were beings that did not want this to happen. The area we were in changed but were connected. At one point it was an open area with some things in it - maybe a baseball diamond? Anyway - I can’t recall much more - It was quit involved and so detailed that when I was waking up I thought it was so involved I could have made a movie from it. Darn. I need to start writing dreams down in the morning. I wonder how long I would go one? So on to the next. I guess that was it. I was asking for answers in my dreams and they’ve been very detailed and busy - but I haven’t learned a lot from them lately. I think that’s my job now. I need to keep asking. This hasn’t been automatic writing so I am moving it to my journal.

Tonight’s big thoughts were about God and me. Me seeing the little things that all work together to head me in the right directions that God is already pointing in. I am happy to at last be seeing the directions God leaves for me. And is it God? That even has become irrelevant for me because all I need is this wonderful Faith that I have grown. Grown - I wanted to say found, but it wasn’t lost - or rather I thought it was lost, but it wasn’t it was more like it was turned off. I am glad to now have some motion - I have been stagnant spiritually for a while now. And then with the RA I have been struggling to get through the day. Now I am better and the energy s flowing through me. I want to flow this for other people. I want it more and more so that I can give it away to more people. I don’t hesitate any more to pass along information even if it seems kind of bizaar, I am trusting my sense and letting things be without demanding explanations for everything. I try to take these things as they come and not pass them by or stop the flow. I coming to wonder about people that have a short term draw. Do you know what I mean by that? When someone you don’t know catches your attention just by their being. Hmm howto say.. Someone that you look at just a little longer than ’normal’ even though you don’t know why. And I don’t mean that this is sexual. Nope it’s something else. I have come to think of it as one of us has information for the other. This is what they discuss so much in the book about oh drat - sheesh I hate this memory or thinking thing. I need to talk to Dr. Rippa about this on Tuesday. Oh well in some book - THAT book that I’ve read.

I need to read Ezekial in the bible I think. I haven’t done that yet - but I almost bought a small poster of a kitten looking into a mirror and seeing a lion. The words were that it’s all about how you see yourself. Then just a couple of days later Omaha Kat wrote about seeing herself as a lion and in reference to reading Ezekial. I had to stop and head to bed because I Think I could go on a really long time tonight. HA - oh and I ‘ve been buying this new bread called Ezekial bread. Maybe it’s just confirming the food choice *scratch head* I don’t know. I’ll read Ezekial and see what it says there. I hope it’s not all about diet. I am getting the hint, and tryin but getting tired of it sometimes. Gotta go. Sweet dreams.